Fight The CisTem
(Source: mykikioko)
Tracks
For the record: It’s an issue of MARRIAGE EQUALITY not “Gay Marriage”.
Many of the people who marry their same gender partners are BISEXUAL!
Edit: Just to add to the list there are also Trans*, Pansexual, Genderfluid, Genderqueer, and many more people who have a stake in marriage equality. And just as a friendly reminder marriage is not the end of this fight.
Umm … always remembering of course that quite a lot of Bisexual People are also Trans*, Genderfluid, Genderqueer or otherwise Gender Non-conforming. While absolutely sure that was just written in an attempt to be super-inclusive it can sometimes be read as accidentally “othering” all non-Cis and/or non Heteronormative/Homonormative bisexual people.
We are tired of being analyzed, defined and represented by people other than ourselves, or worse yet, not considered at all. We are frustrated by the imposed isolation and invisibility that comes from being told or expected to choose either a homosexual or heterosexual identity.
Monosexuality is a heterosexist dictate used to oppress homosexuals and to negate the validity of bisexuality.
Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders. Do not mistake our fluidity for confusion, irresponsibility, or an inability to commit. Do not equate promiscuity, infidelity, or unsafe sexual behavior with bisexuality. Those are human traits that cross all sexual orientations. Nothing should be assumed about anyone’s sexuality, including your own.
We are angered by those who refuse to accept our existence; our issues; our contributions; our alliances; our voice. It is time for the bisexual voice to be heard.
Types of cis bigots I am quite tired of (a bit of a rant, this)
[warning for cissexism]
The Fundiegelical: “You may think you’re ‘happy’ by wearing the clothing of the opposite sex, but you’re living in sin and you’re going straight to hell! Jesus loves you.”
The “Enlightened” Liberal: “But gender doesn’t even matter, because deep down, we’re all the same. So why is it such a big deal what I call you?”
The TERF: “By embracing a gender role opposite your assigned sex, you are reifying gender/privilege and thus making it that much harder for us to smash gender. I know that sounds contradictory but, if you’d been a feminist for as long as I have, you’d understand.”
The Proto-TERF: “Of course I don’t have anything against trans people, but abortion/sex work/breast cancer/ovarian cancer/whatever is and has always been a women’s issue! Why do you want to take it away from women?”
The Ungendering Fetishist: “Hey, I don’t have anything against sh*m*les! I think you’re hot! I watch sh*m*le porn all the time.”
The Clueless Oppression-Olympian: “Transness is just a white/abled/Western issue, so why should I care about it?”
The Incrementalist: “Look, people just aren’t ready to accept trans folks yet. So instead of arguing about what pronouns to use for you, we should focus on something we can actually accomplish, like [insert other tenuously-related SJ cause here].”
The Genital-Focused: “I totally respect and support trans people, but I would never date one. Because ewww.”
The Broad-Stroke Painter: “I once met a trans person who was selfish/mean/creepy/bad in general, so you’re all like that and I won’t respect any of you.”
The Inveterate Essentialist: “But… you can’t be a woman, because you have a PENIS! And chromosomes! And… a PENIS!”
The What-About-Teh-Cis Whiner: “I know my refusal to call you ‘she’ hurts you, but you have to understand that your demand to call you ‘she’ hurts me, too. What about my feelings?”
The Pig-Headed “Skeptic”: “Do you have actual evidence that you’re really a woman? No, of course you don’t, because it’s impossible by definition. No, shut up; I’m right and you’re wrong, PERIOD.”
The “Free Speech” Whiner: “Don’t you think that, in the spirit of free and open discussion, you should listen to my side of things instead of just dismissing it out of hand as ‘bigotry’?”
The Devil’s Advocate: “I’m not saying prejudice is right, but, to be fair, it is a little weird for someone to present as a woman and yet have a penis.”
The Self-Proclaimed “Ally”: “How dare you say I’ve been cissexist? Don’t you know how very supportive I’ve been of you and your causes? Why aren’t you grateful?”
The “Edgy” Comedian: “Look, it was a joke. I’m sorry you’re too unsophisticated to understand why it’s funny; I guess I’m just too edgy for you. Maybe one day, when you grow up a little, you’ll stop trying to censor humor.”
(Hint to cis people: don’t do any of these things.)
So you want to be a cis ally? But . . .
(TW: for cissexism)
- Some of those trans* people are so angry!
- How can they expect us to know about all of these genders and words and pronouns? There’s too much to keep track of!
- Why won’t those trans* people just sit down and calmly, politely explain everything to me?
- I feel uncomfortable when they get upset with ‘cis people’ as a group. I’m a cis person! My feelings are hurt by that!
- Learning to use the right pronouns is so hard! Give me a break!
- I don’t know about all that stuff about [insert pointlessly controversial issue here that pertains to the health and well being of trans* folks, such as healthcare access, housing, safe bathroom access, etc.]
- Trans* people demand too much of us! Can’t they be happy with a little change?
- Why do they call me out on things? Don’t they know I’m an ally?
These are all things I’ve heard come out of the mouths of people who call themselves “allies.” I could easily add to this list (and I encourage other folks to do so!). In fact some of these are direct quotes from messages I’ve received in the last month, or from people I’ve recently spoken with in person. To save myself the energy of individually replying to each of those messages in the future, I am writing this up.
Cis aspiring allies, if you catch yourself thinking something close to any of the things I listed above, this might be a good time to take a minute and check your privilege.
I could sit here and go through each bullet point to let you know what’s problematic about that line of thinking. In fact, I seriously considered using up my own time and energy to do so. But honestly, that would defeat and undermine the whole point of this post.
When we are in positions of aspiring allyship (as I quite often find myself, as a trans person who holds a number of privileges around race, class, ability, citizenship status, etc.) we cannot expect that the communities we aspire to work in solidarity with will have the time, energy, ability, or desire to explain to us what we are “doing wrong”.
As cis aspiring allies, you have to learn to take trans* folks’ articulations of our anger, rage, pain, joy, frustration, and devastation as hugely generous gifts. When we show you how we are feeling about our lives, about you, about people like you, and about the cissexist culture that benefits you, it is hugely important that you listen. Sometimes listening may feel uncomfortable, especially if you see yourself as an ally but you are being implicated in our pain. That discomfort means you have an opportunity to learn.
It is possible that, after really listening to what we’ve said, it still isn’t apparent to you what might be problematic, hurtful, or wrong about what you’ve said or done. It still isn’t time to go ask a trans* person.
It’s time to first ask yourself. No, I mean really ask yourself. Roll things around in your head for days on end, try your best to figure it out, seek out whatever resources you can possibly find. Then, once you’ve completely exhausted your resources, if you still can’t figure it out, and you want to speak with a trans* person who has called you out, do so with an enormous amount of humility and respect and caution.
Don’t dive into questions without intentionally making the space for us to decline to answer. Don’t expect us to explain to you what you’ve “done wrong”. Don’t frame our call-out as less legitimate if we cannot or will not sit down with you and politely explain everything step by step. Many of us are asked to do this every day just to get people to understand “what” we are.
And don’t be discouraged if you don’t get an answer. Part of allyship is knowing that you may have to live with discomfort, and without answers, and still move forward as best you can to work in solidarity. It may take time and work before you understand the harm your words or actions have caused. That is also okay. Just trust that we’re not calling you out for some sinister reason. We’re calling you out because we recognize your capacity to grow as a person and as an ally. Make good use of that gift.
Just a friendly reminder from your neighborhood queen <3
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So . . . does the fact that I stared at this in confusion for like 5 minutes becasue from the title I had thought it meant “How To Be an Ally To A Cisgender Person” mean it’s time to get some sleep now?
MyKellyGreen: Okay, maybe I'm a huge asshole.
But… “bisexual” does not only just imply attraction to two genders, but actually directly states attraction to two genders. Ya know, “bi” meaning two and all. So why on earth would someone who claims to be attracted to all genders call themselves “bi”sexual instead of pansexual? I mean, if you’re…
Words, binary and biphobia, or: why “bi” is binary but “FTM” is not
I don’t think you are a “huge asshole”, I think you are just misinformed. And I think that the fact that you are willing to talk and learn is an admirable thing.
As I’m sure you have now noticed, the vast majority of bisexual people defined themselves as people who have the capacity to ♥ people of same gender as themselves and also to ♥ people of different genders/gender presentations from themselves.
Notice that is how bisexual people themselves define their identity, not how people who don’t know and/or don’t like bisexuals define them. Those other people frequently say lots of (mostly very silly and completely untrue) things, but they are what we like to call “wrong!” and besides other people do not really have the right to define someone else’s identity do they.
I’m really not sure what type of cishomonormativity there is at work that automatically makes a few people jump to the idea that the two in bisexual automatically relates to rigid cisgender categories. Especially when originally bisexuality in animals (as borrowed from botany) was originally meant to describe intersexuality (then called hermaphroditism).
However I do know it is a very recent (no earlier than than late 2005/early 2006) phenomena. The origins of this strange event seems to be a backlash against the rise of of both the trans* as well as the bisexual communities coming from not only the conservative straight culture but also from the more assimilated and powerful/wealthy portions of the gay/lesbian community and their so called “progressive” allies. Additionally in the usa at least, there seems to be an additional component of race/class mixed in.
(Source: crone-logically)
