Really? So in your estimation all bisexuals are nothing but deceitful privilege-grubbing closet cases who have no actual place in the lesbian community?
And you personally would never entertain the thought of having any sort of relationship with one of Them yourself?
Funny how I don’t seem to recall your saying that to me last night when you invited me to come home with you from the clubs.
from Attitudes and Self-Images of Male and Female Bisexuals by Carol D. Bronn
“both worlds are closets” Ouch. That one hit home (via loveintheshadowsistheonlykind)
I can’t stress this enough. I lost a number of followers the other day for posting an angry and snarky response to someone on the polysexuality tags who was acting very holier-than-thou about knowing the “right” definitions of pan bi and poly. He said bi was “attraction to cis men and women only” which is really wrong.
I got angry, and I was mean, and a lot of people think I shouldn’t have been. But I think I have a right to be angry. We frequent the tags with definitions of bisexuality that show it’s inclusive. We try and show that we aren’t all sexually promiscuous (even though sexual promiscuity isn’t bad) and that we are trustworthy. We are all over the place trying to redefine.
But it never does hardly any good because there is always another pan or poly person coming along to say that they are better and more inclusive, and always another straight person saying that bi girls are hot, and always another gay person saying we are just half out of the closet.
Like, I can keep my voice nice and sweet and polite as I say the same thing over and over again to one hundred people, but the instance I get angry, I’m a hateful bisexual who is mean and I’ve made a bad name for the rest of us.
OF COURSE I AM ANGRY. I’VE BEEN TALKING TO A WALL THAT NEVER CHANGES AND NEVER MOVES AND NEVER RESPONDS FOR HOW LONG NOW?
Forgive me for letting that show for just an instant.
* applause *
Sure, I often pass as straight. Rarely on purpose. Often because I’m forced into a pigeon hole and don’t have the energy to object. More perniciously, I also often pass as gay. Sometimes on purpose, because I yearn to be accepted and to belong in my queerness. Because the moment I come out as bi the acceptance and belonging stops. So don’t fucking tell me I don’t have the guts to be gay.
I won’t lie… I’m a wee bit proud of this response.
Q: Sorry for this random message, but I guess I’m in need of comfort. I’ve been reading a lot of radfem blogs out of curiosity, and I am ashamed to be bi now. I just feel so discouraged and awful. I’m starting to doubt my attraction to women because it’ll never be valid enough if I’m also attracted to men. Straight men already treat my feelings for women as something silly and fake, but knowing there are lesbians out there who do the same makes me want to go back in the closet and never come out.
A:You can always come here if you need to talk!
… To be honest, I just want to give you a huge hug, and a mug of tea, and talk this over with you in a quiet, warm coffee shop somewhere, and make you feel better about this. Tea helps, trust me. :)
One of the most horrible things to do, is to read the things that the lesbian radfems write. And the only way to not feel horrible from it, is to not read the words they type angrily into their computers.
What you write here, though, is exactly what I feel. And I think it’s what a lot of other bi women feel too.
We have straight men sexualizing us… Seeing our attraction to other women as their own personal edition of Girls Gone Wild, a sexual encyclopedia of hot-girl-on-girl-smut… but any feelings attached to that amazing sex are invalid. Only penis matters enough to validate our sexual experiences.
But we have straight women telling us that “Yeah I’m totally bisexual… when I am drunk,” and how they “kissed a girl and liked it.” And they invalidate our experiences too, telling us, hey, everyone gets a little horny for the opposite sex when we are drunk. Even if, for us, it’s not just when alcohol slips into the mix.
But we have lesbians telling us that we aren’t gay enough. We won’t ever be gay enough. We can date women, and we can love Tegan and Sara, and we can wear plaid, and we can cut our hair short… But we are not gay enough for them, because we can find love with a man too. We even have pan people telling us that we aren’t valid either, because we exclude all the other genders… based on their definition of our word.
But think of a woman that you have always found attractive. Not just beautiful, not just funny, not just a nice person… But a woman that you are genuinely attracted to. Attracted to in the way that you are attracted to men.
Now think of taking her in your arms, and of kissing her, ever so lightly on her lips, and of holding her tightly.
The way that that thought makes you feel will never, ever, ever be touchable by the objectification and dismissal of men, or by the rejection and hate of radfem lesbians.
And let me tell you something…. Radfems are just a small part of feminism. And of the radfems, an even smaller portion are lesbians. I have met amazing lesbians who would definitely date, and have dated, bi women. And I have met amazing men who don’t completely invalidate the feelings and experiences of bi women by making them out to be mere “hot stories” and flings.
There are women out there for us to fall in love with. And even if a few of them think of us as “tainted” because we can be attracted to and love men, it’s not all of them. And it doesn’t make what we feel any less real.
Be who you are, and fight those who want to crush that.
You can always write directly to fnobiphobia who says, I went through what you are now going through and it was awful, and I want to help you to over-come that. :(
If you think queer oppression works in a hierarchy like this
you obviously know nothing about bisexuality, bisexuals or the specific oppressions we face
and your idea of bisexuality is probably very similar to what you see on MTV
And if this is what you think, go do some reading.
spoiler alert for lbq women:
you will never be gay enough, bi enough, queer enough. you will never love women enough.
don’t waste your time trying to prove yourself. you don’t have to tally up how many women you’ve slept with or kissed or crushed on. you don’t need to prove this to men or to yourself or to anyone.
don’t let them force you to quantify your love.
hey look, story of my life. this is why i don’t go back to SisterSpace. this is why i don’t go to gay bars. this is why i have a hard time breaking through the walls people have forced me to put up. yes, i love women. i love men, too. and women who dress like men. and, sometimes, men who dress like women. but because i’m female and i have a man in my life, i’m automatically straight and therefore not good enough for anyone.